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December 7th, 2010

11:17 am - Amazing dahling!!!

Sitting here getting my hair colored and cut. I love getting it done. Feel so pretty afterwards lol

Got sent home from work my last night shift cuz I was puking my guts out. They said it wont hurt my BI and I hope it doesn't cuz otherwise I'm going to lose my retention this year :( I still feel nauseous but at least I'm not throwing up. (no "maybe you're pregnant" comments are needed thanks). Blah. Lol

Can't wait to see the finished product :D w00t!!

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December 2nd, 2010

12:17 am

I hate feeling like this. I'm bawling my eyes out and feeling self conscious and so insecure right now. I'm just so sad....

I really don't want to have to go on meds again....but maybe I need them....

Why can't I just feel normal?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: sad

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November 30th, 2010

06:11 am - Love nubs

On the bus to work...Booo :(. Slept like shit last night so should be an interesting day. I wish I was curled up back in bed under the blankets. -21 is what it feels like outside according to the Weather Channel. Supposed to snow later, hopefully the buses aren't late getting to work tonight so we aren't stuck working late *knock on wood/cross fingers*

Going to try and get some sleep. Traffic is already kind of heavy so my hour ride may be a bit longer.


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November 28th, 2010

06:41 pm - I love men in uniform!!
 Been thinking about Allen a lot in the last little while.  (Met him on a flight from Denver CO to Vegas, he's in the US air force)  I miss hearing his Texas accent and getting emails from him.  I haven't heard from him since he came back to the states after being overseas.  I just miss him overall, even though i only spent an hour and a bit sitting on a plane beside him.  lol.  Was funny, i remember seeing him and a few other guys and saying "ooo men in uniform!!" then they got on the same flight as us and him and another guy were sitting behind us (me, Lindsay, mom).  Started a conversation with him and ended up sitting with him for the flight when his buddy got moved to first class.  *sigh* He was such a sweet guy....apparently he had a rough time overseas and is having some problems now that he's back.  Maybe I should send him a text again, see how he's doing.  

Maybe I'm just a little crazy, but i kind of felt something for him....still kind of do, although i don't want to think about it cuz maybe its silly.  I barely know him but I'm really interested in him.  And he lives so far away....i just don't know....and now i'm kind of rambling...

So confused....and alone....and kind of sad....depressed maybe is a better term....and I just don't know what to do when i feel like this.  I feel stupid and silly, so i don't talk to anyone about it....i don't want to be judged or whatever.  So i'll just ramble to nobody in cyberspace, since i can get away with it HAH!

On the bright side, roommate is back tonight...yay!  Too bad it means back to work tomorrow (except i have a day off tomorrow w00t!).  He always makes me laugh and generally puts me in a good mood...

Maybe i'll go soak in the tub and drink and be miserable and get it out of my system so i can try and be merry by the time he shows up...
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: All For You-Sister Hazel

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November 27th, 2010

01:44 pm - white stuff?
 Snow is falling...lovely.  Least this means its warm out (for winter anyways -10 w00t!!)  Glad I live in an apartment now, no snow to shovel when the landlord isn't around and I have underground parking!  so no having to warm up the car!  

Guess I'm in a pretty good mood today, it fluctuates a lot in winter though.  The really short amounts of daylight up here makes me kind of moody and depressed.  Summertime is awesome because we get about 4 hours of darkness....but then there are all the bugs....eep!  

Made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen and cleaned the roommate's bathroom.  I'm feeling pretty good haha.  Just need to venture out and do some more grocery shopping.  My good mood will be gone by the time i get back from that.  Shopping here on the weekends is insane.  Just going to enjoy the serenity before i go to war for vegetables and milk.  *sigh* I'm feeling in a pretty good place right now...its nice.  Just need to try and carry this feeling over into the night....

Shower time!
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: He Thinks He'll Keep Her-Mary Chapin Carpenter

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01:15 am - All In!!!
Learned (well kind of) how to play poker tonight.  It started off pretty good but then as everyone started getting drunk the flow started to fail and i just stopped really understanding wtf was going on and even really caring.  Plus I was getting kind of cranky because of all the smokers and how much it was burning my eyes and the drunks were getting on my sober nerves.  

So i caught a ride home...where i now sit, drinking a cup of tea while i wait for my clothes in the washer to finish so i can hang them up (I couldn't stand how much they smelled once i left my friend's).  I'm nice and relaxed now, just wish i was having more fun when i was out.  Not sure what my deal is, I just don't seem to enjoy drinking as much or going out as much.  Probably because of all the drama at work that has FINALLY been resolved but keeps getting brought up by a few of the people involved in it.  I was involved, I want to drop it, make it go away, but usually it comes up when people have been drinking and it just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable and its a huge buzz kill.  I was in the wrong, due to someone lying to me about what really happened.  They tried to save their own ass by blaming someone else and it worked.  But everything has been straightened out, but it just won't die!  I understand though...and i hope time will heal everything, i just would really like to be able to go out and have fun and not have it brought up....

*sigh* I should know better, I've been the one hurt by this kind of thing....and it takes a long time to recover...

patience my child, patience.
Current Mood: blahblah

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November 26th, 2010

12:52 pm - wow....
 holy crap i completely forgot about this thing until just recently.....kind of sad reading back how my life was 6 years ago.....*sigh*

I have my life a little more on track now then i used to, although sometimes i really have to wonder...

I moved away from Pen about 4 years ago now (i think) to wonderful Northern Alberta.  Mom was living up here and I really needed to get my life together so i eventually joined her.  Cleaned up for a while, then got into the blow up here (drugs are everywhere!  Just can't escape them, and up here there is way too much money and not a lot of things to do).  Since where I work requires drug tests to start and then if you have an incident (accident whatever) they will piss test you I was always terrified to go to work.  When I finally got hired on at one of the sites and no longer worked for a contractor I sought out help through the company and they sent me to rehab.  I'd like to say that oh yes! it was a miracle, i was fixed, but it wasn't quite the case.  I went a lot longer between spells of using blow (or gak when i got it sent up or went on holidays back home), so maybe I'm half fixed.  It will have been 6 months on the 29 since i last partied. (wahoo!)  Its been such a struggle to get here though and the last few days have been difficult because i've been having such vivid dreams about getting high....I try and lay as low as possible when this happens cuz I know what will happen if i venture out.  It just sucks, because I want to be able to go out and be normal and drink and whatever.  But i'm afraid to get too drunk in case I end up with a straw up my nose.  Most of the people I go out with know i went to rehab (work is a breeding ground for gossip so i was pretty honest where I had been) so they are generally pretty safe, but who I run into at the bar is a whole 'nother ball game.

Rob is in jail...back in BC.  I'm not sure how much the drugs distorted my views of him, he probably did have his good points but towards the end of our relationship it was pretty bad.  Drugs fuel terrible behavior in people....and if I had been sober and perhaps not as insecure and depressed as i was i would have left long before it got as bad as it did.  I wish him all the best though....he has a girlfriend and a son, so hopefully it all works out for him.

My love life is, complicated.  I'm officially single though.....but complicated....lol

Guess I should go do some grocery shopping....its a balmy -8 out so should get on it while the weather is nice. haha

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: we don't need another hero-Tina Turner

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December 8th, 2004

08:06 pm - fly away now....
so i slipped on the weekend and last wednesday and got high. 2 and a half weeks clean and i gave in. shit it has such a grip on my life that it has basically total control of me. i havent used in 4 days, so each day i guess is a victory in itself and its me taking back control of everything.

god, i have so much to write about but i just don't have the energy or concentration to do it right now. suffice to say that i've started to take control of my life and everything is finally starting to fall into place. I'm happier, i feel better about life, i'm looking forward to school and just in general i feel empowered and am no longer going to be the girl that gets taken advantage of or walked all over.

lots of love
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: fly away-black eyed peas

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December 4th, 2004

01:08 pm - FRIENDS ONLY
my journal is now friends only. leave me a comment and i'll add you :)

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October 12th, 2004

02:16 pm - yepp, i am alive....sort of
hey ya'll. i'm still alive and kicking. just haven't really felt like coming online and typing anything or being very social. shit has been fucking crazy lately. thats about all i can say.

got myself a man. hes awesome, except we were fighting lots which licked balls and over stuff that wasn't really worth getting into fights over. hes a good guy though, despite me wanting to kill him sometimes..:p

drugs are back in the picture, been fucking with that crap since june. trying to get off them but they keep coming back, which i'm not quite sure is a bad thing sometimes. though it creates tons of paranoia which leads to conflict with rob and other people. thinking about maybe going into rehab, but that means having to leave here and go somewhere else for a month or something. any opinions?

didn't go to school for this semester, and i get a letter saying that my registration is cancelled for winter too, so i had to write a letter trying to get back in for winter, but if i haven't fixed the drug problem i'm not going to go cuz thats just stupid to pay all the money and be not of sober mind. so thats another problem....gahh

and then i'm laid off, so i need to find another job to pay all the bills. drugs fuck up everything kids, stay away from them. i was missing work a bit too often since i was trying to get off the gak and it made me so depressed(or, made my depression worse, though anti-depressants work wonders, although they're kind of useless when gak is involved) so that i couldn't work. work got sick of it and now i'm laid off. so now i get to try and get my ass on EI and find a job. wahooo.

moral of the story....drugs are bad. drugs are evil. drugs are sick. drugs are dumb. but fuck, being high can be soo fun. gahhh!

but yepp, am still alive, despite another attempted od on advil and such, i'm still here. and i don't really want to die, just feel so hopeless sometimes....:( so email me or whatever. i'll try and keep this updated more but i'm a space case lately so no promises. :p

(yepp, kind of ripped right now...*sigh* will i ever learn? prolly....in time)

love ya lots!
Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: eminem and d12-fight music

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